There has been a lull in my writing. I had been practicing writing about my observations. However, I went through a season where I could not find clarity. A number of triggers had brought me back to the distress of my youth, that this life is a torturous existence, where we should consider ourselves fortunate if we are not currently being tormented.
Fortunately, along the path, it was pointed out to me that things weren’t so much happening to me as much as they were simply happening – nothing personal. The world we live in is decaying and corrupt, overflowing with hazards. There will be loss and pain. The only way to avoid that would be to value nothing or anyone. That would be a greater loss than losing everything.
I returned to core beliefs – nothing in life compares in value to relationships and compassion. Unfortunately, a lifetime of distorted views of life and myself left me extremely inexperienced at developing and maintaining relationships. When others offered friendship, I regularly hid in fear of them discovering I was unacceptable, under the fragile veil of the image I thought I needed to present.
When a course in self-compassion revealed to me that I am enough, with all of my shortcomings, I began to face my fears. I have made much progress. Recognizing that I still let opportunities for connection pass, due to fear of the unknown, I set intentions for the new year – releasing reactivity to nurture awareness, and releasing unworthiness to nurture requests. A few days later, I began asking “What is the most loving thing I can do for myself at this time?” It is working out to be the fulfillment of all of the intentions I set. Awareness and honoring my needs, at a simple requests, has has a profound effect on my sense of worthiness.
The practice is quickly branching out to those around me. If I ask you what the most loving thing I can do for you at this time is, know that it is because I believe you are worthy of my time and resources.
I am deeply grateful to many who have treated me as worthy, even when I could not see it.
As a friend, what loving thing can I do for you at this time?